CDC Tracking Gingivitis Outbreak. Listerine Likely Culprit, Government Declares

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced Monday that it is closely monitoring a gingivitis outbreak that has its epicenter in Michigan. The outbreak has prompted an urgent investigation, or at least a pretense of an investigation, into its origins. Federal investigators have declared that Listerine, the popular mouthwash brand, is the likely culprit behind the outbreak. …

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Angle On The Ankle: Kurt Angle Puts J.D. Vance in Ankle Lock, “Tim Walz Is Next”

Launching his new political watchdog group Angle On The Ankle, Legendary WWE superstar Kurt Angle has taken his signature move, the ankle lock, out of the ring and into the political arena. Vice presidential contender J.D. Vance found himself on the receiving end of Angle’s infamous submission hold, with Angle declaring, “I’ll squeeze the truth out of him to see …

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“Skin Illuminates At Night,” Alaskan Man Shares About Cell Tower On Property

In a remote corner of Alaska, where the Northern Lights dance across the sky, one man has found himself glowing in a rather unexpected way. Meet Ronald Lawrence, the 37-year-old Alaskan whose skin illuminates at night, thanks to a cell tower installed on his property. Ronald first noticed the peculiar phenomenon a few months after the tower was erected. “At …

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West Virginia Car (Lemon) Dealer Rejects Ethics: “Not My Problem”

A West Virginia car dealership has boldly declared that ethics are, quite frankly, overrated. The dealership, known for its impressively large collection of lemons, has taken a firm stance: it’s the customer’s fault, not theirs. In a world where businesses are increasingly pressured to uphold ethical standards, this dealership has decided to swim against the tide. “Why bother with ethics …

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Trump, Biden Likely Brothers, Concludes (Quack) Family Therapist

With an unusual and perhaps negligent degree of confidence, a Wisconsin therapist, likely a quack, has put forth a groundbreaking revelation: Donald Trump and Joe Biden are brothers. The evidence? Their incessant bickering over politics and an uncanny ability to never actually throw a punch. The therapist, armed with years of experience, has observed that Trump and Biden’s political arguments …

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Mark Cuban “Seriously Considering” Tax Evasion   

In an unprecedented move that’s raising eyebrows across the nation, Shark Tank’s Mark Cuban has publicly declared that he’s “seriously considering” tax evasion. The billionaire entrepreneur, known for his sharp business acumen and no-nonsense attitude, has cited a cocktail of economic concerns as the driving force behind his controversial stance. “It’s just outrageous,” Cuban states, as he reflects on the …

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Apple Decides Phones Not So Smart After All   

In a dramatic escalation of their previous announcement, Apple Inc. has doubled down on their assertion that smartphones are “not so smart” and are, in fact, “the epitome of uselessness.” “At this point, we’re not even sure if they can qualify as paperweights,” an Apple executive said, kicking a prototype across the stage. “We’ve been calling them ‘smart’ phones, but …

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